Exposing Holes in Religion

I forgot to post this earlier when it happened. I tend to do that. I don't think about blogging about something as it happens. I remember it a week or month later and "Crap! I forgot most of it!" I'm not a very good blogger in that regard.

Anyway, on with the story.

One weekend, I'm outside in my front yard when two women walk across my neighbor's yard to my driveway. First mistake right there. Don't cut across people's yards. It's rude.

Both women are pretty plain, and are attempting to dress nice, but they weren't pulling the ensemble together. It looked like someone who doesn't feel comfortable in getting dressed up. But here they were, in my driveway, uninvited, obviously trying to peddle something. As neither of them were carrying anything except their small plain purses, I was beginning to realize what it was they were selling.

The taller of the women never spoke. It was like she was the muscle while the shorter one gave me her pitch. The shorter, plainer, frumpier woman held out her hand and greeted me.

S.P.F.W.: "Hello there, I am Barbara, what is your name?" (Name changed because I plain forgot and I don't care.)

Me: "Kyle."

S.P.F.W.: "Hello Carl." (Not sure why people have a hard time with my name.)

Me: "No, Kyle. Ki - el."

S.P.F.W.: "Oh, hello Cale." (Oh, for Pete's sake! Forget it!)

S.P.F.W.: "We are here to tell you that we are in a new church and would like for you to join us. Did you know that Jesus loves you and wishes you to be with Him?"

Me: "Uh, I've heard that, yes."

S.P.F.W.: "Did you know that Jesus sacrificed himself for us, because he loves us?"

Me: "I think I heard that on the news."

S.P.F.W.: "Do you believe in Jesus and know he loves you and if you love Him back, your life will be fulfilled and you will join him in heaven?"

Ok, I was having a REALLY bad time right about now. My dog died, my girlfriend broke-up with me, and I was having work problems. I wasn't really high on the whole "God is looking after you" crap. So I decided to have some fun.

Me: "No, not really."

S.P.F.W. looks like I just slapped her in the face with a fresh tuna.

S.P.F.W.: "What? Don't you know that Jesus died for your sins because he loves you?"

Me: "You just said that, yes."

S.P.F.W.: "Did you know that all you have to do to get into heaven is to accept Jesus into your heart and believe in him with all your soul, plus give a charitable donation to our church." (Ok, I made that last one up, but not far from truth, am I right?)

Me: "Really?"

S.P.F.W.: "Yes! And if you don't, it says in the bible that you will not get into heaven if you do not accept Jesus as our savior. You will forever live in the lake of fire and endure pain and agony forever. The bible says it is the most horrible and dreadful place, and you will be there forever." (You mean anything like what I'm going through right now?)

S.P.F.W.: "Do you want to spend eternity in the lake of fire Cale?"

Me: "I'm not really worried about it."

S.P.F.W.: "What?! Why Cale? Why would you gamble your soul and chance going to the Lake of Fire for all eternity?"

Me: "Well d'uh! If I don't believe in Jesus, what makes you think I believe in this Lake of Fire?"

Stunned, open-mouth, beautiful silence. It was priceless.

S.P.F.W.: "That's sad Cale. That makes me sad."

Me: "Sorry to hear that."

S.P.F.W.: "I'll pray for you Cale."

Me: "You do that. But be sure you get the name right, though. I'd hate to have that bite me in the butt if I'm wrong."